Diabetes be damned! There aren't many pleasures in this world greater than home made chocolate-chip cookies dipped in a tall glass of cool fresh milk. Thanks, Doris. You're a swell, swell gal for treating me so well.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Praise
I don't know about you, but I thank the Good Lord Above every day for the following things, in no particular order:
1. General Dwight David Eisenhower - my ass wouldn't have made it out of Korea alive were it not for this great man. Not a big fan of him being president, but that's why I said "General D.D.E." He actually said, "Any man who wants to be president is either an egomaniac or crazy. " though I'm not exactly sure when he said that...
2. Cows - any one animal that can give you milk, butter, steak, and leather is OK in my book.
3. Mr. Whipple - Scot toilet tissue is an abomination on this earth. I'm dead set against it's use anytime & anywhere, and I don't care if you do have septic tank issues, Cousin Merle. We defeated the Nazis and the Commies; as Red Blooded Americans, we deserve more.
4. Canadian Club - a damn classy drink for a damn classy man. Me.
5. The Green Bay Packers - Greatest. Team. Ever. Period. And I don't want to hear anyone bitching about the goddamn New York Yankees. Pardon my French, but New York is a shithole city and the Yankees and all their fans can drop dead for all I care. George Steinbrener's a jerk, too.
6. Miss Michael Learned - why the Walton's was a great--check that--the greatest TV show of all time.
7. CPR - Hey, the old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be. What can I say? But I got a few kicks in me yet, thanks to good old, cardio-pulmonary resuscitation.
1. General Dwight David Eisenhower - my ass wouldn't have made it out of Korea alive were it not for this great man. Not a big fan of him being president, but that's why I said "General D.D.E." He actually said, "Any man who wants to be president is either an egomaniac or crazy. " though I'm not exactly sure when he said that...
2. Cows - any one animal that can give you milk, butter, steak, and leather is OK in my book.
3. Mr. Whipple - Scot toilet tissue is an abomination on this earth. I'm dead set against it's use anytime & anywhere, and I don't care if you do have septic tank issues, Cousin Merle. We defeated the Nazis and the Commies; as Red Blooded Americans, we deserve more.
4. Canadian Club - a damn classy drink for a damn classy man. Me.
5. The Green Bay Packers - Greatest. Team. Ever. Period. And I don't want to hear anyone bitching about the goddamn New York Yankees. Pardon my French, but New York is a shithole city and the Yankees and all their fans can drop dead for all I care. George Steinbrener's a jerk, too.
6. Miss Michael Learned - why the Walton's was a great--check that--the greatest TV show of all time.
7. CPR - Hey, the old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be. What can I say? But I got a few kicks in me yet, thanks to good old, cardio-pulmonary resuscitation.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Annoying People
1. Billy Mays, aka the "Oyx Clean Guy" - no one cares how well your goddamn product works, especially after staring at your wet hairy knuckles for 45 seconds. Howsabout you shut up and go get a shave!?! I tell you, he's got to be part Neanderthal.
2. The Directv DSL Lady (now peddling "HughesNet") - Newsflash: red ain't your color darling - your clothes or your hair! You should be working at a Starbucks, or maybe a Golds Gym and Total Fitness Center.
3. Stephen Colbert - I can't tell if this guy's serious or not. I mean, when he says something like "George Bush - Great President, or the Greatest President?" he's speaking my language. But then he writes this cockamamie book "I am America (And So Can you!)" which makes me think the guy is nothing more than a goof-off. Hey Mr. Colbert, Irv don't like being confused!
4. Young People - especially if they have visible tattoos, tousled hair, or more than two "earrings" (or whatever they call it when they wear earrings in their nose or some other ungodly place - and guys, unless you're fruity or a sailor, take 'em outta yer ears, too). And what ever happened to the business suit? Would it kill these young people today to dress a little more like Tony Randall circa 1964? Would it!?!
5. Judge Judy - Irv gets enough of the "shrill woman" routine from Doris, I don't need to hear you running your mouth, too. Click!
6. Jockeys - they're just too small. Unnaturally so. A day at the track would be so much more enjoyable if they'd just let normal people race the damn horses. Gives me the heebie-jeebies thinking of them sitting down to dinner, can't fit the utensils in their mouths and whatnot.
7. Communists - need I say more? I didn't think so...
8. Hippies - see #7
9. The manager at the Bob Evans near my house - Hey, ever hear that "the customer is always right"? Guess what, bucko - I'M THE CUSTOMER! Doris and I went out for a nice dinner one Saturday night last Spring, and normally the Bob Evans is a clean, dependable establishment. This time, no dice. Doris's Cheddar Baked Potato soup had about a half-cup of salt in it, and I ordered my eggs over-HARD. My plate was COVERED with awful, runny egg yolk. Plus it took about 4 years for the food to come. You'd think that in that time they could have cooked my eggs right. So I complain to the manager, and all he says is "I'm sorry." No free ride, no coupon offer - nothing but a heartfelt apology. Jerk.
10. Rosie O'Donnell - see #8.
Over and out.
2. The Directv DSL Lady (now peddling "HughesNet") - Newsflash: red ain't your color darling - your clothes or your hair! You should be working at a Starbucks, or maybe a Golds Gym and Total Fitness Center.
3. Stephen Colbert - I can't tell if this guy's serious or not. I mean, when he says something like "George Bush - Great President, or the Greatest President?" he's speaking my language. But then he writes this cockamamie book "I am America (And So Can you!)" which makes me think the guy is nothing more than a goof-off. Hey Mr. Colbert, Irv don't like being confused!
4. Young People - especially if they have visible tattoos, tousled hair, or more than two "earrings" (or whatever they call it when they wear earrings in their nose or some other ungodly place - and guys, unless you're fruity or a sailor, take 'em outta yer ears, too). And what ever happened to the business suit? Would it kill these young people today to dress a little more like Tony Randall circa 1964? Would it!?!
5. Judge Judy - Irv gets enough of the "shrill woman" routine from Doris, I don't need to hear you running your mouth, too. Click!
6. Jockeys - they're just too small. Unnaturally so. A day at the track would be so much more enjoyable if they'd just let normal people race the damn horses. Gives me the heebie-jeebies thinking of them sitting down to dinner, can't fit the utensils in their mouths and whatnot.
7. Communists - need I say more? I didn't think so...
8. Hippies - see #7
9. The manager at the Bob Evans near my house - Hey, ever hear that "the customer is always right"? Guess what, bucko - I'M THE CUSTOMER! Doris and I went out for a nice dinner one Saturday night last Spring, and normally the Bob Evans is a clean, dependable establishment. This time, no dice. Doris's Cheddar Baked Potato soup had about a half-cup of salt in it, and I ordered my eggs over-HARD. My plate was COVERED with awful, runny egg yolk. Plus it took about 4 years for the food to come. You'd think that in that time they could have cooked my eggs right. So I complain to the manager, and all he says is "I'm sorry." No free ride, no coupon offer - nothing but a heartfelt apology. Jerk.
10. Rosie O'Donnell - see #8.
Over and out.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Dinner Time
Doris made spaghetti for dinner tonight. There isn't much ol' Irv enjoys more than a nice plate of spaghetti and meatballs - so long as the sauce doesn't have a pronounced oregano taste. Oregano is like brylcreem, a little dab'll do ya. In my book at least.
I remember this one fella in grade school who probably went through a tube of brylcreem a week, easy. Curt was his name, and he was the first kid at my school to get a DA. No good punk son of a bitch, he was, even at that age. I heard he ended up moving to California and getting involved with those beatnik, hippie losers in San Francisco. Probably joined a cult or something. What a waste of life.
I remember this one fella in grade school who probably went through a tube of brylcreem a week, easy. Curt was his name, and he was the first kid at my school to get a DA. No good punk son of a bitch, he was, even at that age. I heard he ended up moving to California and getting involved with those beatnik, hippie losers in San Francisco. Probably joined a cult or something. What a waste of life.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Sports
Let me tell you all something. I don't much like the Yankees, the Duke Blue Devils, or youth soccer. Can't these kids realize that somebody's got to go AWAY from the ball to get a pass. Hells bells, they might as well be a bunch of moths fluttering around a bare light bulb! We need better coaching at the youth league level. Pronto. America is losing it's edge.
Sports are stupid anyway. Why on earth should I part with my hard earned money to go see some jackass make a million dollars for LOSING! That doesn't seem right to me. I have a great idea - let's only pay the winners and give the money back to the loser's fans. I bet you'd get a lot more fight out of some of them loser teams that way, too. But, there is nothing quite like the horrid stench of defeat, and somebody's gotta lose - so I guess sports aren't so bad after all.
Woodburning! Now that's a good hobby. For more information, spend some time at http://www.woodburner.com/ Good, clean, smoky fun for the entire family.
I especially like this piece: http://www.woodburner.com/myegallery.php?&do=showpic&pid=3873
Paul Anka, what a great entertainer. And a handsome man as well.
Sports are stupid anyway. Why on earth should I part with my hard earned money to go see some jackass make a million dollars for LOSING! That doesn't seem right to me. I have a great idea - let's only pay the winners and give the money back to the loser's fans. I bet you'd get a lot more fight out of some of them loser teams that way, too. But, there is nothing quite like the horrid stench of defeat, and somebody's gotta lose - so I guess sports aren't so bad after all.
Woodburning! Now that's a good hobby. For more information, spend some time at http://www.woodburner.com/ Good, clean, smoky fun for the entire family.
I especially like this piece: http://www.woodburner.com/myegallery.php?&do=showpic&pid=3873
Paul Anka, what a great entertainer. And a handsome man as well.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Yeah, Happy New Year...What's so damn happy about it? Another trip 'round the circle, shorter of breath and one day closer to death...so they say.
Doris asked me if I had any resolutions. I say, "Why!?!" I wouldn't change a damn thing about myself.
Well, I guess if I were to resolve anything, it would be to bestow some of my much-accumulated wisdom on the world, which is sorely in need of it, in my not-so-humble opinion.
Hold on, I'm coming.
Doris asked me if I had any resolutions. I say, "Why!?!" I wouldn't change a damn thing about myself.
Well, I guess if I were to resolve anything, it would be to bestow some of my much-accumulated wisdom on the world, which is sorely in need of it, in my not-so-humble opinion.
Hold on, I'm coming.
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