Annoying People

1. Billy Mays, aka the "Oyx Clean Guy" - no one cares how well your goddamn product works, especially after staring at your wet hairy knuckles for 45 seconds. Howsabout you shut up and go get a shave!?! I tell you, he's got to be part Neanderthal.

2. The Directv DSL Lady (now peddling "HughesNet") - Newsflash: red ain't your color darling - your clothes or your hair! You should be working at a Starbucks, or maybe a Golds Gym and Total Fitness Center.

3. Stephen Colbert - I can't tell if this guy's serious or not. I mean, when he says something like "George Bush - Great President, or the Greatest President?" he's speaking my language. But then he writes this cockamamie book "I am America (And So Can you!)" which makes me think the guy is nothing more than a goof-off. Hey Mr. Colbert, Irv don't like being confused!

4. Young People - especially if they have visible tattoos, tousled hair, or more than two "earrings" (or whatever they call it when they wear earrings in their nose or some other ungodly place - and guys, unless you're fruity or a sailor, take 'em outta yer ears, too). And what ever happened to the business suit? Would it kill these young people today to dress a little more like Tony Randall circa 1964? Would it!?!

5. Judge Judy - Irv gets enough of the "shrill woman" routine from Doris, I don't need to hear you running your mouth, too. Click!

6. Jockeys - they're just too small. Unnaturally so. A day at the track would be so much more enjoyable if they'd just let normal people race the damn horses. Gives me the heebie-jeebies thinking of them sitting down to dinner, can't fit the utensils in their mouths and whatnot.

7. Communists - need I say more? I didn't think so...

8. Hippies - see #7

9. The manager at the Bob Evans near my house - Hey, ever hear that "the customer is always right"? Guess what, bucko - I'M THE CUSTOMER! Doris and I went out for a nice dinner one Saturday night last Spring, and normally the Bob Evans is a clean, dependable establishment. This time, no dice. Doris's Cheddar Baked Potato soup had about a half-cup of salt in it, and I ordered my eggs over-HARD. My plate was COVERED with awful, runny egg yolk. Plus it took about 4 years for the food to come. You'd think that in that time they could have cooked my eggs right. So I complain to the manager, and all he says is "I'm sorry." No free ride, no coupon offer - nothing but a heartfelt apology. Jerk.


10. Rosie O'Donnell - see #8.

Over and out.